What I want to talk about today is how Nicole and I perceived Lisa's fears during the first three months we knew her. I am not sure that even Lisa could speak directly about those fears. She had been in foster care for so long; had lived through a failed adoption and several potential adoptions that didn't materialize. All of that does damage and sometimes even when you are the one who lived through the damage, you can't see the full extent of it. So in this post, I am going to talk about the things that we COULD see, understanding that this is probably much like an iceberg and the vast majority of it lies unseen in the murky depths of Lisa's emotion ocean.
When we met Lisa, we felt an instant bond with her, and she felt the same thing with us. We know for sure that this phenomenon was happening on both ends. For our parts, we could experience it directly. For Lisa's part, we knew it was happening because this normally shut down child who wouldn't give most folks the time of day was opening up to us in ways that shocked the people who knew her best. We wondered a bit if she was just grabbing for what she felt might be her last chance at finding a family so she didn't age out of the system, but there was something we couldn't put our fingers on that told us it was more than that.
When we met Lisa, we felt an instant bond with her, and she felt the same thing with us. We know for sure that this phenomenon was happening on both ends. For our parts, we could experience it directly. For Lisa's part, we knew it was happening because this normally shut down child who wouldn't give most folks the time of day was opening up to us in ways that shocked the people who knew her best. We wondered a bit if she was just grabbing for what she felt might be her last chance at finding a family so she didn't age out of the system, but there was something we couldn't put our fingers on that told us it was more than that.
In the beginning, Lisa was very careful to be pleasing. She agreed with EVERYTHING! She called us both "Mom" from the very beginning. She was always happy, upbeat and easy going. She had been living in a group home on a "Ranch" that contained several group homes for six years. It was a religiously based organization and church attendance was compulsory. Lisa had a great deal of conflicted emotion regarding religion and had been required at various times in her life to conform to religious doctrines and practices that she was not comfortable with, so this six year placement for her was particularly difficult. To make matters worse, Lisa and the "house mother" for the home in which she lived did not get along. They were just like oil and water and the contempt between them was on most days only barely concealed and sometimes not concealed at all. For Lisa, the chance to live outside of that type of environment was almost a dream come true. What it would cost her to do so, however, was a nightmare.
Lisa was going to have to leave behind everything and everyone she knew. Where the first two thirds of her life had been filled with constant uncertainty and change, the last six years had given her some stability. She had come to know the people around her fairly well. She had attended the same schools for six years and had developed long standing friendships. The school she attended was small....everybody knew everybody. There might have been many things about her living circumstances that were not entirely pleasant, but at least they were very familiar. For a child who comes from a chaotic and unpredictable life, familiarity is like a warm blanket.
So, as long as she was there in her familiar surroundings AND she also had the assurance that a family was coming to be, Lisa was in a pretty OK place. She was unaware of what was going to happen to her emotionally when she left her familiar home. As much as she wanted to live "in the 'burbs"; as much as she wanted away from the "Ranch" and it's dogmatic requirements; as much as she wanted to be away from ALL THOSE KIDS and have the spotlight of an only child; Lisa had no clue what it was going to feel like to be all alone in unfamiliar surroundings with no one to confide in. She was leaving a small school to attend a school with 3,300 students bustling through the hallways. She was leaving a home with the background din of nearly a dozen kids under one roof and where there was always someone to talk to or play with for the quiet of a home where there were no other children. She would sit alone at the lunch table at school. She would sit alone in her room or in the living room after school until one one of us arrived home or until I woke up from my bat-like schedule. She would come to find the noise of school overwhelming and the quiet at home deafening. She would feel equally claustrophobic in the over crowded halls of school, getting bumped and jostled as she would at home where she could walk/sit/stand anywhere she wanted without competition.
Imagine being in completely unfamiliar surroundings like that, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and not having any idea when or IF things will ever feel comfortable again. Now imagine feeling that way and knowing that if you do something "wrong", all of THIS will disappear and you will be hurled into....who knows? Imagine giving up everything familiar for the hope of a dream and then feeling like if you didn't do everything JUST RIGHT, you would not only lose your dream, but you couldn't even get back what you left behind? THAT was the place that Lisa was having to function from when she moved in with us. We lived five hours north of where she had been living. It was in the same state, but it might as well have been a whole world away. Her old life was inaccessible; her place at the ranch, gone. This was where the rubber met the road and it was dance or die.
It wasn't long before the pressure of making such huge and sweeping changes came crashing in on Lisa and the challenges started. We had known all along that it wasn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but let me tell you, NOTHING can prepare you for the hurt and chaos of that first emotional explosion.
Lisa was going to have to leave behind everything and everyone she knew. Where the first two thirds of her life had been filled with constant uncertainty and change, the last six years had given her some stability. She had come to know the people around her fairly well. She had attended the same schools for six years and had developed long standing friendships. The school she attended was small....everybody knew everybody. There might have been many things about her living circumstances that were not entirely pleasant, but at least they were very familiar. For a child who comes from a chaotic and unpredictable life, familiarity is like a warm blanket.
So, as long as she was there in her familiar surroundings AND she also had the assurance that a family was coming to be, Lisa was in a pretty OK place. She was unaware of what was going to happen to her emotionally when she left her familiar home. As much as she wanted to live "in the 'burbs"; as much as she wanted away from the "Ranch" and it's dogmatic requirements; as much as she wanted to be away from ALL THOSE KIDS and have the spotlight of an only child; Lisa had no clue what it was going to feel like to be all alone in unfamiliar surroundings with no one to confide in. She was leaving a small school to attend a school with 3,300 students bustling through the hallways. She was leaving a home with the background din of nearly a dozen kids under one roof and where there was always someone to talk to or play with for the quiet of a home where there were no other children. She would sit alone at the lunch table at school. She would sit alone in her room or in the living room after school until one one of us arrived home or until I woke up from my bat-like schedule. She would come to find the noise of school overwhelming and the quiet at home deafening. She would feel equally claustrophobic in the over crowded halls of school, getting bumped and jostled as she would at home where she could walk/sit/stand anywhere she wanted without competition.
Imagine being in completely unfamiliar surroundings like that, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and not having any idea when or IF things will ever feel comfortable again. Now imagine feeling that way and knowing that if you do something "wrong", all of THIS will disappear and you will be hurled into....who knows? Imagine giving up everything familiar for the hope of a dream and then feeling like if you didn't do everything JUST RIGHT, you would not only lose your dream, but you couldn't even get back what you left behind? THAT was the place that Lisa was having to function from when she moved in with us. We lived five hours north of where she had been living. It was in the same state, but it might as well have been a whole world away. Her old life was inaccessible; her place at the ranch, gone. This was where the rubber met the road and it was dance or die.
It wasn't long before the pressure of making such huge and sweeping changes came crashing in on Lisa and the challenges started. We had known all along that it wasn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but let me tell you, NOTHING can prepare you for the hurt and chaos of that first emotional explosion.
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